This part is still really hard for me to actually recall. At this point I had been without sleep for quite sometime and was still jarred from the intense drama that had unfolded in Sifton with Heather, the plane ride and the panic.
I remember feeling great despair. It was like looking down the barrel of 357 Magnum. Everything quiet, everything stood still. I came to a place in my mind that was just blank. I guess I pushed past the drama, pushed past the agony into a place in my mind that was just blank. The eye of the hurricane or so I thought. For a split second I felt my mind fragment and then fragment again, compartmentalizing into the space that it now occupied. Thats when I saw Grant, making his way towards me. In this blank empty space in my mind Grant became the beacon of the gravity of the situation. Grant was alone, storming down the hall towards the ICU at 5:30 am. His eyes were fixed on me. For a quick moment I felt relief, because I was finally not alone. Soon enough my relief turned to back to panic again as Grant approached. Grant didnt just walk up to me, he marched as if it were a battle, and it most certainly was. Grant was poised and seemed ready and confident yet there was the same panic gleaming in his eyes as there was in mine. When shit goes down, especially this kind of train wreck, he is the guy that I want to see joining forces with me, Grant is as solid as they come. There was an air about the way he moved that signified to me that he knew god damned well what the hell was going on here, not only did he have a full understanding of the situation, he showed up ready for total fucking warfare.
I cant be sure about this part, I can only hope that Grant reads this blog still, but I think I just unloaded on him the details of what had transpired with Heather. I was a complete and total basket case, probably sputtering and talking straight nonsense to him. My body and especially my mouth was on auto pilot. Grant told me that Brian Gilroy had called him and let him know what was going on and he left his place immediately on an intercept mission to HSC. I think we sat in the waiting room a bit. I tried to collect myself but found it impossible. Nothing I could do would prevent the tears. I watched the tears roll of my face and hit the waiting room floor, it didn't take long for them to build into a small pool on the floor. I think Grant and I went and had a smoke but i can't be certain of this as looking through my notebook I hadn't started to document any of this for quite a while yet.
I do remember Dr. Sylvaggio seeking me out in the waiting room and letting me know that Heather was bleeding out from her aneurysms and that immediate surgery was required if Heather had any shot at survival. Dr. Sylvaggio explained that there wasn't just one aneurysm, there were two, one on top of the other in the left frontal lobe and to add further complication they found a blood clot in your brain. Dr. Sylvaggio felt that Neurosurgeons may be able to coil the bleeds using titanium chips to plug them but the bleeds had been left so long he felt it was a total long shot. He explained to me that they would try and snake a probe through your leg, up through your body to get to your brain. Once the probe had reached the aneurysm site it would release titanium chips to try and plug the ruptures. I remember the Doctor quoting me some really brutal stats, like saying that Heather's chances of survival were 10% of surviving in surgery and even less to survive the night and that there was literally "no chance of any recovery". Heather's brain was already enlarged from swelling, there was obvious, "significant damage inflicted". The Doctor took out some papers explaining the risks of this procedure: Brain Spasm(s), Heart Attack ending in death. There was a line for me to sign my name "acting" on Heather's behalf, asking for permission to DNR, Do Not Resuscitate. Dr. Sylvaggio asked me "have you and your wife talked about each others wishes when..." I thought to myself "yeah we have motherfucker, just never thought I'd actually end up being here right now, faced with this choice. From my first breath, every day I lived in my life brought me to right here?" Perplexed. I grabbed the pen and signed my name.
The Doctor walked out of the waiting room. My mind immediately resumed its fits of total hellish despair. My thoughts went back to Heather in the bathroom at home. Calling out for Sammy and Autumn, the desperation and fear on her face as she called their names. The weird connection I had with her, seeing her face behind a misted window pane. The full moon on the lifeflight plane to Winnipeg, Heather's weird dreams leading up to this. She knew something was wrong. I began re analyzing these thoughts even further. Calling out for Sammy and Autumn. She was saying "goodbye to her kids". The look of fear and desperation on her face , were those her last words?
I started talking to Grant and telling him some of the things I was just thinking. He cut me off mid sentence and basically laid it out. He told me that he was a gambler and that odds, any odds don't mean anything. "Take it from me, I'm a degenerate gambler. Everything is 50/50, its a coin flip, either its yes or its no." He told me that Neurosurgeons at HSC are some of the best in the country so already we have some ammunition.
Although Grant's words were true my heart was exploding. I stared at the tat on my forearm. Blood red, our runes...
